Dreamy Wonderland

About three weeks ago.., when my room was recently cleaned.., I found 17 bees flying around in my room..
I was very scared because they seemed to be flying in any direction...
and I need to stress out that : I AM AFRAID OF INSECTS THE MOST..!!!
THEREFORE I HATE, LOATHE THEM VERY23 MUCH!!! Grrrr!!!
and I have to fix the situation myself, because apparently I live far2 away from people that can actually come and help me that instant..

In the end, with much tears and fear (they rhyme, haha), also a can of baygon (insecticide), I kill all of them...
amitabha.., may they be reborn in a better world, and attain enlightenment to become Buddha soon.

What made me curious is, how a bunch of them fly into my room.
I have one open window in my room, to keep the air in my room well-circulated, and to keep my room breezy cold, comfortable for me to sleep.
and outside that window, there is a big tree, and some flower bushes..
I think those bees came because I recently changed my air freshener to flowery smell.., maybe they mistook it for the real flower smell..
What more curious is that they seem to gather around the lamp.., I don't know why...
and many of them injured instantly (I think because they bumped into the HOT lightbulb)
anyhow.., it was a frightening experience..

I, then, bought net and fixed it on my window.., by MYSELF..
then tonight, a bee was able to come in.., hiks2...
and it bump into my night lamp..
So, I think it's injured..
here is the picture...
you can see that it got black and yellow stripes in its back...
And I shudder and got goose bumps every time I see it..

I keep it in a bottle now..
I promise to set it free tomorrow..., but It seem heavily injured.., let's pray that it'll make it..

The lesson learned : don't change ur air freshener..
and BE BRAVE.., hiks2...

The happiest time in life for most people are when they are still babies or toddlers or maybe when they become old senile people with memory disorders, like dementia or alzheimer. When we were babies or toddlers, we haven't understand anything yet, so we didn't have to worry about anything. It is similar too when people get old and senile, because they forget things and live like children.

this is what happened to me..

when I started to go to school.., my mother was very strict to me (which is a good thing..)
I must always finished my homework, studied for the next day's lesson.. , and did my very best in school.. (because, if I didn't or if I got a bad grade, I would get caned.., hahaha.., :P, and I hate punishment because it's humiliating, to me)
I guess my mom taught me well..
then, slowly, When all of these became habits..,
I always worried about tests, despite my efforts to prepare it well..
I got anxious about my assignments grade, tests grade and exams grades..,
and at the end of every semester, I would worried that whether I will pass on the next grade..
this continued until I finished my junior high school.

When I had to move to Jakarta for Senior High School..
I worried that I couldn't live separated from my parents..
I worried that I couldn't enroll into the school that has been chosen for me.., I worried that I would embarrassed my parents.., I worried that I might let them down..

When I was finally accepted by that high school..,
I worried that I would not be able to keep up with the high standards of my school..
I worried that I couldn't get along with others because I still got a weird Accent from my hometown (my nickname in school was 'Riau' because of my accent)..
I worried that I couldn't graduate from that school..
I worried about what major should I be studying, when I graduate..
I worried about what university should I be in..
I worried that I couldn't pass the university enrollment exams..
I worried about all those fees that my parents would have to pay for me..

When I finally graduate from high school, and came to ITB..
I worried about living far-far away from my parents, without any relatives
I worried that I can't keep up with other friends, academicly
I was worried if I could pass every subject that I took.. I worried about calculus, physics, chemistry, thermodynamics, mass and energy balance, fluid mechanics, utility systems, transport phenomena, Heat transfer, chemical reaction technic, and many more..

(Image is taken from www.funnyjunk.com)

So far.., all of my worries are proven wrong..
I am so thankful that all my worries never became true..
maybe it's because I gave out my special efforts to prevent my worries from happening.. or maybe I did something good, and Buddha blessed me with good karma.., or maybe it's happening coincidentally.., or maybe it happened for some reasons that I wouldn't understand. Anyhow.., I am so thankful.



speaking of which.., I found an interesting phrase :
"WORRYING WORKS!!!
90% of the things I worry about, never happen"
(taken from : www.zazzle.com)

Worries are the most detestable things in the whole wide world.. It came to every people and is hard to be controlled on.
I guess.., for a person to be 100% free of worries, he or she must become monk.., leave everything in the world.., never worry again about anything, live in peace only to be enlightened, to become Buddha

I, on the other hand, never master the skill to control my worries..., hiks2..
I worry relentlessly.. I do wish I could kick this habit out.
Now.., when I almost finish my study here...
I worry about my research project..
I worry about my seminar
I worry about the comprehensive exam
I worry about what should I do if I graduate
I worry if I can't get any jobs.. T.T

(image taken from www.doctorramey.com)

Let's hope that all of my worries now will prove to be all right in the near future..
i will work hard for it.
I promise.

To : my mom.., mama yang paling paling paling paling paling hebaaaaattt di seluruh duniaaaa :)

selamat ulang tahunnn :')
maaf, tahun ini ga bisa ngerayain bareng mama.., seperti tahun laluu.. :'(
semoga tetap cantikk.., sehat-sehat, dan bahagia selaluu... :)

trims selalu siap mendengarkan cerita-ceritaku..
trims selalu ada untuk ak ketika ak sedihh dan nangiss..,
trims selalu menghiburku ketika ak gagal..,
trims selalu percaya kpd ku.., walaupun ak sering ga percaya kepada kemampuanku sendiri...
trims untuk segala-galanyaa...
Ga akan ada aku yg sekarang kalo ga ada mama..

maafkan ak masih cengeng, suka ngerepotin dan bikin khawatir di umur yg sudah sebesar iniii..., hehe :P

SELAMAT ULANG TAHUNNN, ma... :)
love you and father the most in this world..

tears, kisses and hugs from distance... :')

Li ling :)

Oh.., and by the way..
I created flickr account..
I love to take photos, but I don't understand art, so I can't edit it yet.., still learning.

please check it out if you had the time :

http://www.flickr.com/photos/marilyn_ong23/ 


and please give comment, I am still an amateur, very new in photography..

Thanks before :)

hiii, my blog...
again, I apologize for neglecting you for a long time..

I haven't been able to sleep..
then I thought of writing u, while listening to mellow music.., It's Perfect setting!! (except that I am touched by those lyrics and crying right now, hahaha)

hmm, I think I want to write about personality for this post.
How much does a person really know about his or her personality??
I just realize that even I don't know me very well..

Since I was very small, I knew that I am a shy person, thus lead to my quiet personality..
also, I think because many people that I encountered with, as i was growing up, didn't very like talkative person. So I became quiet in order for them not to dislike me so much. I don't know why.
but recently, I feel that I want to tell all my story, all my experience, maybe just limited to certain people who are close to me.., Still..
I think I can be talkative, but I held back.

also, when I was growing up, I decided that I had to be an independent person..
I was so sure that I succeed in being independent..
But lately I also feel that I am not! I want to depend on other and I can't stop wondering how nice it would be to have someone to depend on and be spoiled..

Two things that I had gotten very right 'bout myself was I am a very timid person and I absolutely love to cry.
I cry all the time, I don't know where I had gotten this personality because both my mom and dad are very tough person. Still I would cry when I listen to touching songs (like right now) or watch some sad film, or woke up from a bad dream.

A perfect example that was the inspiration of my post is
Two days ago, I had a very bad dream and it felt very real. I was crying in my dream and I am very thankful that I woke up finally. But, I was so scared that I can't stop crying even I had woke up. I want to tell on someone, but I didn't want to scare my parents or made them worry. I can't call my friends too, so I ended up crying alone and can't sleep until that morning T.T
Deep inside my heart, I really wanted to talk to someone, told them about my nightmare and be calmed down by him or her.

I guess I am now what I am, not because I willingly choose to be, but rather I was forced by myself to be so.
If that is really the case, can it still be call as personality?, I wonder..

just in love with the bright blue sky and the waterfall ^^

hiks2.., I miss getting together with my family... :'(

As always.., I have difficulty in deciding the suitable title..

and, as always too.., I will start this post with the reasons of why I had neglected this blog again
and, yes..
it's the same reasons as previously stated.., I was (and still am) busy with school thingies.., and bla bla bla..
so, let's skip that..

hmm, there's nothing new and special to write about..
I think I cried more than usual..., i don't know why..
I guess I miss my family.., but It could also been caused by stress..

it's just sad, pathetic and hurtful to lie to myself in order to keep others happy.
T.T


~Marilyn~

"if one can not control its own minds, then he shall be controlled by them"

huaaaaa....

when i want to start believing and have faith in something, then a small portion of my mind started to make me lose faith in it

and

when i want to lose both hope and faith, my mind would also convince me that there is still a glimmer of hope, and I shouldn't give up so easily...


but, I am tired of hoping and every disappointment is hurtful
*sigh

but I believe one day later I will go past it..., everything will be over and I would know the last result. It's just that maybe now is the time to prepare for either best or worst results.
still hoping for the best results though.

Hello again bloggie..., I'm very sorry for neglecting u these past few months..
I'm sorry that I kept making lame excuses to postpone what I had been intending to write..
Now, it's less than an hour until new year, year of 2011
I'm in my own home, in Tanjung Balai Karimun, but, I'm alone only with my beloved mum and with you, bloggie, hikss2... My dad is in Taiwan currently, accompanying my grandma (his mum) to watch fireworks.
and that's a little about me..,
now, let's get back to more serious topic.

A week ago, when I came back to my hometown, I received a very bad news.., that was the wife of the youngest brother of my grandfather from my father side (is it confusing??, hehehe) was dying. she had many serious illness like diabetes, kidney's failure and many more. Later that night, my mum took me to her house to pray for her, to "send" her away with chants so that she could follow Buddha to a better place. She did passed away when we are praying for her, after hanging on difficultly (she breathed very difficultly in the last moment) for quite a long time. I felt very sad, because when I was young, me and my siblings would ate her noodles or kwetiau almost every week.., It was very very delicious. and she is a nice person, very friendly.

After she passed away, I remembered that I had read an article about death, that left a deep impression in me. I wanted to share this article to my blog readers.
That article was taken from a book called "Cerah Setiap Hari, 366 Hari Renungan Pencerahan"
(it was translated to Indonesian from the original book named "The Daily Enlightenment")
It was a book about matters to think on every single day, based on Buddhism, written by Shen Shian.
Now, I will try to translate back to English, to share it with all of you. Please note that this is not the original script of the book, Its purely my work, so please understand if there are any mistake.
here it is.

1. The designer of the ship, who looked like he's in fault, very sad, and remorseful; pondering over his mistakes; and let other people saved their lives with emergency boats
2. The capten of the ship, looked very attached, trapped by his broken reputation and his dreams which will never again came true. He hold his hat, not planning to save himself and wait for his death.
3. The bad guy who tried to bribed and cheat to save himself
4. An officer who can not overcome the stress when trying to discipline the panicking crowd. He was forced to shoot a passenger who didn't want to queue up. Feeling remorseful and helpless, he then shot himself.
5. There are also people who jumped straight into the sea, swam to chase on the leaving boats
6. There are also a bunch of people, who prayed with high spirit, asking for help
7. Most people scrambled to get in the emergency boats
8. There are also people (like Jack and Rose) who wouldn't want to be apart, and don't care about the people in their surrounding
9. and, of course there are also a group of musician who made bistory by playing the music until the end to calmed the panicked people down.

Right on the day we were born, we are each TITANIC which are sinking, we are starting our journey to death. The problem is we never know how much part of the ship is above the water. Have you planned on the way to save yourself? How would you get out of that ship?


There is an ancient proverb from India :
" The most amazing thing in the world is that we all lived as we will still lived tomorrow morning "


one tomorrow in the future, we will not live anymore, and what's frightening is the tomorrrow might be the real tomorrow. Let's hope that we treasure this life and be aware of how to go past life and death. Yes, be aware of it today, because tomorrow might be too late.


Yes, yes, you might had heard about this advice thousands of times. So, would it be like one of those advices? You decide it for yourself
you can start to think of it seriously now, or tomorrow??


That's it. Interesting as well as frightening for me.
what do you think..., I will be happy to hear your opinion about it too, you can write it in comment box. or email directly to : 'enchanting_lotus230489@yahoo.com'
yes, yes, yes, I am indeed a lotus maniac, hihihihi

anyway, I think my post is maybe appropriate to end a year but, is unauspicious to start a new year..
so here, I want to wish all of you a very happy new year...
may you all stay happy and healthy for a long time...
and may you are closer to reach your dreams..

Happy New Year Everyone...!!!
be blessed.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA..., MARILYYYYYYYYNNNNN...

At first, I thought that I would write this post in English.., you know.., to practice my english..

Bloggie.., so much thing to tell...

Bloggie.., 早安。。

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH...!!!

hahaha.., it must be the most weird title amongst my other posts..
Actually, I'm kind of confused in deciding the title.., so..., don't take the title seriously...
as far as I know, I'm still not a bad person =)

Now.., I'm having trouble starting my post.., aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgghhh...

hmmm.., here is the thing..
When I watched asian love serials.., many of those stories would go like this :
Female A loved Male A.., but Male A haven't figured out yet that he actually loved female A too..
Then this female A has a very best friend called male B, and this female A is so stupid that she didn't even notice that the male B had a huge crash for her.. Then, after the female A knew the feelings of male B.., she would reject him and wished male B could find a better girl then her, whom is supposed to be Female B.
Now.., I always HATED the Female A in this kind of stories..
I mean, how could she broke the heart of the male B like that.. and, I always felt sympathy for he male B..

Yeah..., I admit that I'm kind of weird, because every other girl would totally support the female A to go after the male A..
It feels like this too when I watched/read twilight, new moon, and eclipse
For this reason.., I hated Isabella Swan very2 much.., hahaha.., while every other girl wants to be bella..., hehehe..
Actually.., I hated her for more reason like: she is kind of exaggerating her feeling towards edward (yeah, maybe I'm not feeling what she felt). she is also very selfish to use Jacob for comforting herself in the absence of edward, yet when edward came back, she don't care about jacob anymore... That's why I hated her so much..
Anyway.., that's just a fictive stories... and that's just my personal opinion And I apologized if any of my opinion have hurt any of bella's fans

now, back to what I'm going to talk about..
I'm now kind of being the female A and I still don't know what to do..
I have a friend and I consider him as a very best friend.. When I'm with him, I laughed all the time because he is the person you can joke to all time round. We are so closed for sometime (that's what I felt), that we joked about almost anything. He is also very clever and I did asked for his help in studies quite a few time, and he would taught me patiently too.. We pretty much would come to any event too..
And, just like the female A, I'm so stupid that I didn't notice that he has some feeling for me..
One night, after studying together till quite late.., he accompanied me walking.., and then he expressed his feeling towards me.
I'm quite shock.., and eventually I rejected him because I had only considered him as a very best friend and brother..
But, actually, for a moment, I think It's kind of nice being appreciated, being cared or loved..

Now, we remain as friends..
but, for some reason.., the closeness has faded..
I don't know whether he is avoiding me or I am avoiding him..
Just like the female A, I want to once again become a close friend with him, just like in the past.., hanging and joking around like silly people in stress condition..

But, I hate myself for being so sensitive and cared about other too much..
When, he said it's fine and told me not to worry about it,
I felt more guilty for hurting him since then..
I afraid I would hurt him by hanging around him and pretending nothing had happened..
So, I restrained myself much..
But, I really2 miss the silly time in the past.., joking around with him and a few other friends..
I don't really know what he feels towards me now.. I don't know if he still wants to be my close friend.. (because, when I was rejected by someone a very long-looooooooooooong time ago.., I felt very shy and I have been avoiding him till now)
I really hoped that he didn't feel like what I did..
And this thing here is driving me crazy..
I wish I had the power to know everything..

now.., the problem is :
Should I hate myself, just like I hated female A???
or
Should I just try learning to like the female A???

:(

this post is about something I have been thinking for the past days.. I've been hesitating whether I should post it in this blog.., considering that maybe some people have known my blog already.
but, I can't stand keeping troubles in my mind.., really.., It's one of my annoying shortcomings.., haha.. I can't tell my parents because it would made them worried much because I'm kind of alone with 3 other friends in an unfamiliar land. I can't tell my friends either because it's not so convenient and I am kind of introvert, maybe..
So, you see, I have no one to tell my troubles.. But, by keeping it in my mind, I think I'll go crazy sooner or later, because It really gets on my nerves everytime I think about it..

so, here we go...

Human values...
how much do we know about human values exactly??
The human values I'm going to talk here are about honesty, sincerety to help each other and also all the other good human values..
Many people told me that I'm kind of naive.. I tend to believe that all people must have their good side. Even though I am told about how bad and how selfish are the people in the grown-up's society, I didn't believe it wholly. Maybe, because I grew up and became friend of a bunch of good people, admirable people.

this few days.., I have seen something that I had been denying all this time..
It's about my friend. actually, I feel uneasy about telling it. Please forgive me.
Just one simple example so that I can go on with my post.
It's about a really simple chore : dish-washing. My friend here only wants to wash only the plate and the spoon which he use. He don't care about others' plates and spoons. Clearly, he won't wash mine.., and I've already proved it. He also don't care about the plates used to prepare the cooking material, let alone the wok used for cooking.
But, when I washed my plate, I would also wash the other plates which were dirty and left unwashed. When I washed my plates, I also washed his plates if he had left it unwashed earlier. I think he knew it and pretend didn't know about it.
I also washed the wok and the plates for uncooked material lots of time, not all the time though.
I'm lucky that one other friend had helped me often. he is nice, really..

I'm not complaining here. I'm not asking him to repay me by washing my plates either. Believe me. I'm just wondering.., why he can't help to wash the wok and plates for cooking material.
Is it that hard to add a few thing to wash..? Or he is just to selfish to help others?
I can't tell and I can't judge...

What I am trying to say here is,
I think, people's from the city, big cities, tend to be selfish.. They will only care about themselves..
I've noticed that they're also calculating.., they don't want to do something that are not their duties or responsibilities.
It's sad.., don't you think..?
While, people from the village have more conscience, sincerity to give and help, and a generous heart.
Look.., I didn't write this post based only on my opinion and the story of my friend..
There is one program of Singapore's Media Corp's channel (channel 8, if I'm not wrong), that I had watched not so long ago.
It's about famous chef who must went to unmodernised small village to cook something and present it to the people there.
You know what??, the people in the village barely knew the chef who was visiting them..
Yet, they (the villagers) gave the chef the best ingredients that the chef asked for, WITHOUT ANY PAYMENT.
They are willing to give out their chicken, best wulong tea leaves for the chief, which I think would benefit them more if they had sold it in the market.
But, They give it away just like that. Impressive, right..?The chef feel very grateful towards the villagers.
When the chef was about to leave.., he cried and said that It was hard to leave these kind villagers. They are kind, sincere in helping and do have a very generous heart. You'll surely hard to find these people in singapore, which citizens are very competitive and calculating.

you see..?

and also another story about the Indonesians TV program, in RCTI channel, called : TOLONG!!
It's a reality show about asking people to help.
here is the episode I've watched :
There is a skinny and filthy woman who bring with her, a basket of flower petal. She said that she picked these flower petals from the graveyard. She intended to sell these petals to get some money.. I forgot what the money was for.
She met a lot of people who reject helping her.
Then, she met a woman with garbage truck, more filthy than her, because she works at a rubbish site. She collect any scrap metal or plastics from rubbish site to sell. She was with a child. She helped the first woman eventually..but, do you know that the second woman (the woman with garbage truck) actually has a more sadder story? Her husband doesn't want to work, so she must goes to work every day. She only earn 6000 rupiahs that day, (which, believe me, is very little of value), but, she gave half of it to the first woman.
Aren't you touched..?
do you think you can find these stories in big city and the big cities' people who have claimed that they are more civilised, educated and live a fine life?
I think, It'll be hard.

I know, I can't judge and claimed all big cities' people to be the bad and heartless people..
I know, there are good and kind people too in there, however little..
I, haven't considered myself as the good, kind, sincere, generous too... I still have much to learn.
Clearly, I'm not generous and sincere enough, considering that I'm writing this story of my friend here..I have much to learn about these human values, and I am willing to learn them. I hope that if someday, I ever took the wrong route, someone out there will be willing to guide me..
I, personally think that, educated people don't mean that they have great degrees, like bachelor, magister, doctorate, Ph.D, or professor.., These degrees don't mean anything if people don't have the good human values and the right attitude of life..
anyway.., that's just my opinion... Everyone's entitled for their opinion, aren't they?
I'd like to hear your's opinion too, if you want to write comment about this post..
so...

p.s. I'm very sorry if my post have offended you, dear readers..
please do forgive and correct me...
thank you..

People, wherever you are from (cities or village).., have you done any goodness to other people today?
please keep remember those good human values that our parents and teachers have always thought us since we were little..
for a better world ahead.., let's work this out together, won't you..?