Dreamy Wonderland

hahaha.., it must be the most weird title amongst my other posts..
Actually, I'm kind of confused in deciding the title.., so..., don't take the title seriously...
as far as I know, I'm still not a bad person =)

Now.., I'm having trouble starting my post.., aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgghhh...

hmmm.., here is the thing..
When I watched asian love serials.., many of those stories would go like this :
Female A loved Male A.., but Male A haven't figured out yet that he actually loved female A too..
Then this female A has a very best friend called male B, and this female A is so stupid that she didn't even notice that the male B had a huge crash for her.. Then, after the female A knew the feelings of male B.., she would reject him and wished male B could find a better girl then her, whom is supposed to be Female B.
Now.., I always HATED the Female A in this kind of stories..
I mean, how could she broke the heart of the male B like that.. and, I always felt sympathy for he male B..

Yeah..., I admit that I'm kind of weird, because every other girl would totally support the female A to go after the male A..
It feels like this too when I watched/read twilight, new moon, and eclipse
For this reason.., I hated Isabella Swan very2 much.., hahaha.., while every other girl wants to be bella..., hehehe..
Actually.., I hated her for more reason like: she is kind of exaggerating her feeling towards edward (yeah, maybe I'm not feeling what she felt). she is also very selfish to use Jacob for comforting herself in the absence of edward, yet when edward came back, she don't care about jacob anymore... That's why I hated her so much..
Anyway.., that's just a fictive stories... and that's just my personal opinion And I apologized if any of my opinion have hurt any of bella's fans

now, back to what I'm going to talk about..
I'm now kind of being the female A and I still don't know what to do..
I have a friend and I consider him as a very best friend.. When I'm with him, I laughed all the time because he is the person you can joke to all time round. We are so closed for sometime (that's what I felt), that we joked about almost anything. He is also very clever and I did asked for his help in studies quite a few time, and he would taught me patiently too.. We pretty much would come to any event too..
And, just like the female A, I'm so stupid that I didn't notice that he has some feeling for me..
One night, after studying together till quite late.., he accompanied me walking.., and then he expressed his feeling towards me.
I'm quite shock.., and eventually I rejected him because I had only considered him as a very best friend and brother..
But, actually, for a moment, I think It's kind of nice being appreciated, being cared or loved..

Now, we remain as friends..
but, for some reason.., the closeness has faded..
I don't know whether he is avoiding me or I am avoiding him..
Just like the female A, I want to once again become a close friend with him, just like in the past.., hanging and joking around like silly people in stress condition..

But, I hate myself for being so sensitive and cared about other too much..
When, he said it's fine and told me not to worry about it,
I felt more guilty for hurting him since then..
I afraid I would hurt him by hanging around him and pretending nothing had happened..
So, I restrained myself much..
But, I really2 miss the silly time in the past.., joking around with him and a few other friends..
I don't really know what he feels towards me now.. I don't know if he still wants to be my close friend.. (because, when I was rejected by someone a very long-looooooooooooong time ago.., I felt very shy and I have been avoiding him till now)
I really hoped that he didn't feel like what I did..
And this thing here is driving me crazy..
I wish I had the power to know everything..

now.., the problem is :
Should I hate myself, just like I hated female A???
or
Should I just try learning to like the female A???

:(